Wombourne, The Anus of South Staffordshire
The funny thing about Wombourne is that the people who live there
think they are classy and posh because the place is classed as a
village, despite containing numerous large housing estates which sprawl
around the original village green. Most houses are standard semis,
nothing special, but the occupants think they are off Towie or similar.
The surrounding area is actually very pretty with lovely countryside,
it’s the people who spoil it. Wombos hate outsiders and anyone not born
and bred here struggles to be welcomed. Service in shops for outsiders
is aggressive, visitors are just not wanted.
Wombos are all about appearances and what they think they can show off
with, so if you are still thinking of moving here, here are some
chavtastic tips to fit in:
Rules for Wombourne women of all social classes:
Hair must be dyed blonde or BLACK and I mean BLACK!!!! Must be long and preferably arranged in a “donut” or similar chav style.
You must love “bling” (Something from Primark will do)
Eyebrows – chav standard, heavily drawn on in BLACK at all times.
Full make up at all times please.
Clothes -slaggy and cheap (again try Primark)
Wombourne women must take daily selfies which are then posted on social
media in the hope of receiving comments from short sighted friends and
relatives along the lines of…”stunning” and “gawguss lady”. In fact all
you need to be classed as “stunning” here is a head. If it is a whole
family shot it is mandatory for someone to comment with the word
Yes Wombos love a bit of family love (nearly everyone is related to each
other through inbreeding) and love to glamourise their babies and
Rules to follow when you have a baby girl:
Choose a florid, outlandish name possibly with celebrity influences.
Suggestions include Bonnie, Scarlette, Blue, Beau, Delilah, Charity,
Tuesday. These are just a few doing the rounds at the moment, the only
limitations are your imagination.
Immediately after birth dress child in either fake fur or leooard
print. Get her ears pierced. She must always wear a ridiculous headband
with a massive fake flower or bow on, even if child is bald.
If you have a boy:
A small list of names which are acceptable for Wombos…..Billy. Charlie.
Bobby. Freddie. Alfie. Archie. Must end in a Y or IE basically, standard
Chav stuff, but do try to add interest with the middle name with
something like Beau, Lance, Romeo, Rocco etc.
At birth boys must be dressed in a 3 piece suit from Primark with a hat.
Wombourne…..the anus of South Staffs.